Today's Reading
(The copy in this email is used by permission, from an uncorrected advanced proof. In quoting from this book for reviews or any other purpose, it is essential that the final printed book be referred to, since the author may make changes on these proofs before the book goes to press. This book will be available in bookstores November 2024.)
CHAPTER ONE
He was standing with my sister the first time I saw him, in the Trinity Arts Block after class. He had a crooked nose, sharp brown eyes, and graying stubble, and wore a simple black turtleneck. Physically nondescript, nothing unusual in his bearing. Just a shiny American smile and the confidence of a man with no reason to question his position in life.
They had a short and slightly awkward exchange that I couldn't hear at a distance. Audrey's fingers were playing with the strap of her handbag, her weight shifting from one foot to the other. I wandered over, but he turned to leave before I reached her. All I caught were his parting words. "See you around, kid," he said, with a small wave of a large hand.
Arriving next to her, I angled my head in his direction. "Who was that?" He was already disappearing into the crowds pouring out of different lecture halls. They milled around us, a noisy and bustling mess of bodies, through which he cut like a knife. His stride was purposeful, his gaze deliberately pitched above the heads of students, who parted at his approach.
"Him? Jay Crane. He's one of my professors," Audrey replied before setting off down the steps in the opposite direction.
She didn't elaborate, and, at the time, I took her at her word. I hadn't the faintest suspicion of how much he would come to mean to her, or how much he already meant.
I exited the Arts Block through the swinging doors and stepped outside to Fellows' Square. Trinity's campus struck me as it always did. The gray walls wept in the October rain, the points of Alexander Calder's cactus sculpture made sharp by the dusk light. The long summer days in Dublin were over, the nights closing in again. Together, we made our way to the train station, heading home to Malahide, my older sister walking slightly in front.
It seems so obvious now, so hard to imagine events unfolding in any other way. But, back then, there was ignorance. There was bliss. I didn't know it yet, but we would never be the same, not once Professor Jay Crane entered our lives.
What chance did Audrey have against him? Nobody had ever told her that the word of a man like Crane was not gospel, that he was no god, that his influence could be dangerous, that he could hurt her. Nobody ever told her to be careful of men who dazzle and then withdraw, leaving a wasteland of human wreckage in their wake. Nobody told her of the darkness that can lurk behind an easy smile and a few kind words, and by the time she learned it for herself, the damage was done.
There's no fixing it now.
* * *
I should say that what follows is not a confession. It's not an exercise in atonement or motivated by guilt. If I consulted a lawyer, she would tell me not to write it down at all. It could be used against me. Sometimes, my finger hovers over the backspace key, ready to let the cursor chase these words away into nothingness. But always in that moment, just before I give in to that compulsion, I think of Audrey again, and I hesitate.
It was her story first, before I made it mine.
When you came seeking answers, I didn't know what to say, because the truth is not an easy thing. I don't even know if I can tell the right and the wrong of it anymore. Every day, more women are speaking up and, as they do, my silence weighs more heavily on me. There have been so many lies that telling the truth now feels like an act of bravery, a leap of faith. Sunlight burning away the haze. So here it is: an honest history of what happened.
Insofar as certain events may have followed from my decision to enroll at Franklin University, I can hardly be held responsible for that. The only guilty mind involved was Crane's. What happened to him was his own fault, but I don't need to tell you that. You'll see for yourself.
CHAPTER TWO
On the morning of my first day at Franklin University, I sat in the courtyard of the law school, my notes spread on the round metal table in front of me, a pen in my hand, and premeditated intention in my heart. It was late August in Philadelphia, the city a swamp, the sun raging down relentlessly. Even in the shade, the heat was audacious, and I had been sweating into my jean shorts for forty minutes. I was about to meet Professor Jay Crane face-to-face for the first time and I felt far from ready.
There had been a time in my life when Jay Crane was not at the center of every thought, but that time felt distant now, like a half-remembered dream. He had become a waypoint that I used to direct me, Polaris in the night sky, and I had traveled thousands of miles to find him here, securing a place in his prestigious Law and Literature class at Franklin's law school. All final-year and master's students completing an LLM, like me, were eligible to apply and, every year, only six were chosen. It was a long way to come for such a niche course, but I had my reasons.
...
