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After years of therapy, I came to recognize the circumstances in my life that led me to become a people-pleaser. But I didn't know how to turn that knowledge into action to tangibly break the cycle. My morning journal entries were punctuated by exasperated questions: "How can I speak up for myself?" "How do I stop saying yes when I mean no?" "When am I finally going to put myself first for a change?" And, on one particularly difficult day, the following, written dramatically in angry red pen: "If I can learn to speak up for myself before I die, I will die a happy woman."

I still have this journal entry. I look back on it from time to time when I need a reminder of how far I've come.

Not long after I penned these frustrations, breaking the people-pleasing pattern became my personal mission. I went through a devastating breakup with a partner in whom I'd lost myself completely, and in his absence, I felt a searing clarity that I would never find contentment if I continued basing my self-worth solely on others' approval. I realized—painfully, suddenly, viscerally—that nobody was coming to "save me" from my people-pleasing. I had to take responsibility for my own happiness. This wasn't a duty I could outsource to others.

In the years that followed, I slowly and intentionally connected with my own feelings, needs, wants, and dreams. At first, they were shy with me—they'd learned through years of neglect that I could not be trusted to take care of them— but the more attention I paid them, the louder they became. The more I tended to myself, the more comfortable I became using my voice with others. The more I respected my needs, the more it felt imperative that I invested in relationships with people who also respected my needs. Slowly, I learned the art and craft of boundary-setting, making it clear what I would and would not tolerate in my connections with others.

It was empowering, and liberating, and uncomfortable. I felt awkward asking others to show me care in the specific ways I needed; I felt guilty setting hard boundaries with my loved ones; I felt grief as I outgrew relationships that were not a good fit for who I was becoming. But beneath every growing pain, like a slow and steady drumbeat, was the knowledge that after all these years, I was finally standing up for myself.

As I began to touch a freedom and self-trust I'd never known, I felt certain that I wanted to help others do the same. My goal was to help people who, like me, were ready to turn their desire for change into action: to take tangible, real-life steps to break the people-pleasing pattern.

Coaching, as a discipline, is designed for this. It asks and answers the question: "Where do I most want to go—and how, specifically, do I get there?" So I enrolled in a training program certified by the International Coaching Federation. When I graduated a year later, I knew I wanted to help others break the people-pleasing pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of speaking their truth.

In addition to my one-on-one client sessions, I began writing about people-pleasing and sharing my work online. I was surprised by how deeply it resonated with people all over the world. I received messages from recovering people-pleasers in the US, India, Yemen, France, Afghanistan, New Zealand, Sudan, and more. They said, "I thought I was the only one who struggled this way." I told them, "I thought I was the only one, too."

With every new follower and subscriber, I felt a sense of solidarity: We are in this together. We are not the only ones.

Five years later, my writing has reached millions, and my workshops on people-pleasing and boundary-setting have welcomed thousands of participants from around the world. Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power is the distillation of years' worth of research, coaching, teaching, and hundreds of one-on-one conversations with recovering people-pleasers. It offers an action-based approach to breaking the people-pleasing pattern, grounded in research and psychology, with practical tools that will help you find your voice and step into your power.

In Part 1: Find Yourself, you will learn how to discover—and prioritize—your own feelings, needs, values, self-concept, and wants. These are your five foundations of self, and only when you consistently tend to them can you confidently self-advocate in your relationships with others.

In Part 2: Stand Up for Yourself, you'll learn how to honor your needs in your relationships, make requests of others, set self-protective boundaries, and reconnect with your own power and agency. We'll also unpack how people-pleasing differently impacts various groups based on their social locations and degrees of privilege.

Part 3: Take Care of Yourself is a companion for the growing pains we all face as we break the people-pleasing pattern. You'll learn how to embrace bravery and become resilient toward guilt, fear, anger, loneliness, and grief; how to navigate the challenges of outgrowing relationships and facing difficult transitions; and how to reframe these challenges as powerful opportunities for growth and transformation.